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A guided private retreat to help get your marriage out of limbo.
If you or your partner/spouse are considering leaving but are not completely sure that’s the best path, this is a really difficult time. And a private discernment retreat might be just the right thing for the two of you.
It’s a chance to slow down, take a breath, and look at your options for next steps for your marriage*. Discernment coaching is a powerful way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship (and not sure that regular marriage counseling would help) and the other is “leaning in”— that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage.
I will help you decide whether to try to restore your relationship to health, move towards separation or divorce, or take a time out and decide later. The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future. The goal here is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment and no matter what you are bringing to the table.
*I use the terms marriage, divorce & spouse on this page for ease of communication, but the discernment process is potentially appropriate for any committed long-term relationship where that commitment is now in question. Couples of all legal statuses, genders, ethnicities, sexualities and identities are warmly welcome.
I’ll meet each of you right where you are (even if those are really different places).
Not sure about your marriage anymore?
Unsure whether or not your marriage has a future — or if you even want to try anymore? Feeling torn, confused, maybe even guilty?
A discernment retreat will help you explore how your relationship got to this place and what your role in that may have been. With compassion and curiosity, we will explore your reasons for wanting to leave, and what would need to happen for you to want to stay. One-one-one, without your partner in the room, you’ll have an opportunity to explore your doubts and fears, your hopes and desires. This is a no judgment zone, and the goal is to help you make a decision about your next steps that feels congruent and true to your best self, based on a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship. Regardless of what you’re bringing in, and what path you choose, you will be supported with compassion & respect, and encouraged to use this process as an opportunity for growth.
Which one are you?
Leaning out, or leaning in?
Wanting to save your marriage?
If divorce is on the table and you don’t want it to be, that’s a really hard position. I can help you find your center & do your part to support a positive outcome.
If your partner is talking about splitting up or expressing real ambivalence about the future of your marriage, that can feel devastating. A discernment retreat can help you process your feelings and help you bring your best self to a very difficult time. In one-on-one meetings (without your spouse in the room), we’ll widen the lens to help make sense of what’s happening and how your relationship got to this place. We’ll look at what pieces might be yours to work on, and how to do your part to support your partner in choosing to work on the relationship with you — or not — from a place of integrity and honest self-reflection. Regardless of the outcome, you’ll be supported in using this challenging time as an opportunity for growth and healing.
Unbiased, compassionate support & guidance
With its unique format and goals, discernment retreats are designed to meet each of you right where you are. I can help each of you with your agenda (whether that’s to figure out whether or not to end your marriage or work on it, or to do whatever you can to save your marriage), without being at cross purposes. Everyone wins when each of you have the support and guidance to bring your best self to this difficult time and find your way forward with confidence, clarity, integrity and thoughtfulness. I’m here for each of you, and for the best outcome for your relationship — whatever that may be.
Unbiased, compassionate support & guidance
With its unique format and goals, discernment retreats are designed to meet each of you right where you are. I can help each of you with your agenda (whether that’s to figure out whether or not to end your marriage or work on it, or to do whatever you can to save your marriage), without being at cross purposes. Everyone wins when each of you have the support and guidance to bring your best self to this difficult time and find your way forward with confidence, clarity, integrity and thoughtfulness. I’m here for each of you, and for the best outcome for your relationship — whatever that may be.
This is not couples therapy. It’s for couples, but the purpose & approach is totally different.
Discernment retreats are not couples therapy. They are not designed to help you repair and reconnect, as there isn’t yet a shared agreement to do that work together. The goal in the discernment process is to get clear about whether or not you both are interested and willing to step into relationship healing work together, or if it’s time to call the relationship.
In discernment, I do not ask you to get vulnerable with your partner, because there may not be the emotional safety to do that, and because I want each of you to have the space to get really honest with yourself. It’s hard to be self-reflective and touch into vulnerability when you’re in conflict or feeling estranged from your partner. And that’s not what this is about.
I’ll dive deep with you in one-on-one meetings, holding the relationship frame and helping both of you see the bigger picture and your own roles in that. I hold your confidences and help you sort through how and whether to navigate the challenges we’ll be exploring. I help each of you from right where you are, with privacy and with respect.
Based on a deeper understanding of yourselves and a more nuanced understanding of how you got to this point, your discernment retreat will be oriented around clarifying which of these 3 paths you will take:
Path 1: Pause for Now
Stay in the relationship as it has been — for now. If you’re not ready to make a call for path 2 or 3, accept the status quo for now, and make a plan as to how and when you’ll revisit the idea of making a change towards splitting or repair.
Path 2: Pursue Divorce
Decide it’s really over and set an intention to part ways as respectfully & compassionately as possible. Make a plan that supports the most successful outcome possible for everyone impacted by this decision.
Path 3: Try to Reconnect & Rebuild
Before making a long-term decision, see what’s possible with new insights & intention, genuine effort, and 6 months of professional help to get at the core issues & dynamics that have kept you stuck. Then make a long-term decision.
Meet your relationship consultant, Rachel Zamore.
Hi, I’m Rachel, and I specialize in helping couples figure out how to get unstuck and start moving things forward in a new way.
Couples who work with me tend to be people with full and busy lives who are successful in many realms and care deeply about their children and families, but whose relationship has suffered damage or neglect, and the future is now uncertain. It’s never an easy time, and emotions are usually running strong. You want to do the right thing, but there’s also a tremendous sense of pressure and it can be hard to feel as clear and spacious as you would want to be when figuring out how to resolve a really tough situation. The intensity of it all can (and often does) exacerbate whatever negative loop you’ve been in, which only makes things harder.
This is where I come in.
Using a proven, structured process, over a 3-5 day private retreat, I will help each of you find your footing and come back to the best in yourself so you can get things clarified from the place inside you that is whole and wise. Even if you’ve lost touch with that knowing, my specialty is helping people reclaim the best in themselves and make choices about the future from wholeness and with a more nuanced perspective on familiar problems.
Click below to learn more about my experience, philosophy and qualifications. I hope to connect with you soon, and look forward to answering any questions you might have.
Meet your relationship consultant, Rachel Zamore.
Hi, I’m Rachel, and I specialize in helping couples figure out how to get unstuck and start moving things forward in a new way.
Couples who work with me tend to be people with full and busy lives who are outwardly successful and care deeply about their children and families, but whose relationship has suffered damage or neglect, and the future is now uncertain. It’s never an easy time, and emotions are usually running strong. You want to do the right thing, but there’s also a tremendous sense of pressure and it can be hard to feel as clear and spacious as you would want to be when figuring out how to resolve a really tough situation. The intensity of it all can (and often does) exacerbate whatever negative loop you’ve been in, which only makes things harder.
This is where I come in.
Using a proven, structured process, over a 3-5 day private retreat, I will help each of you find your footing and come back to the best in yourself so you can get things clarified from the place inside you that is whole and wise. Even if you’ve lost touch with that you, my superpower (we all get one, right?) is helping people reclaim the best in themselves and make choices about the future from wholeness and with a more nuanced perspective on familiar problems.
Click below to learn more about my experience, philosophy and qualifications. I hope to connect with you soon, and look forward to answering any questions you might have.
What Others Are Saying…
“Rachel Zamore is one of the very best discernment counselors in the United States. I would send loved ones to her if their marriage was on the brink.”
Care for you. Care for your relationship.
Whatever happens next with your marriage, it’s essential to take care of yourself and bring your best self to and through this time of uncertainty (and beyond). That’s really hard to do sometimes when you’re feeling stressed and pressured, or anxious and confused. A discernment retreat is intentionally structured to help slow things down and help each of you find your way back to center and bring your best self to this difficult time. Give yourself the gift of spaciousness and clarity, and moving forward with greater ease and understanding.
To help you make the most of your retreat, meetings are spread out to leave time for you to get a massage, take a hike, write in a journal, or do some yoga or get some exercise. Unlike marathon therapy sessions that keep you scheduled from morning to night, our private retreats are specifically planned to allow plenty of time for integration and reflection, which are essential to the process.
Each retreat is arranged to meet the unique scheduling and retreat needs of each couple. The sample schedules shown below are for the basic 10-hour retreat. For couples who are dealing with discernment in the wake of (or in the midst of) a known affair, we recommend a 12-hour retreat (also available in a 3, 4 or 5 day option).
100% Committed to Your Privacy
My private retreat clients have included high profile couples & individuals including Fortune 500 and Silicon Valley business leaders, well known performing artists, high-level elected officials, as well as high-net-worth couples and others who are particularly guarded about the private details of their personal life.
I am fiercely committed to your privacy, and my team and I have a thorough system for maintaining confidentiality for all of my clients, high profile or not. If needed, we will work with you to make arrangements for a suitably discreet location for your retreat and organize it onsite accordingly. Most couples do not require special arrangements, but we are happy to make them when necessary. All couples & families deserve the opportunity to get the professional help they need. I’ve got your back.
Discernment Retreat FAQs
Who Should Try a Private Discernment Retreat?
Discernment retreats are for couples where divorce/separation feels like a real possibility, but they’re not totally sure it’s the best or only choice, or the right call to make just yet. The discernment process is not appropriate when one person has already made a final decision to leave, nor in situations where someone feels pressured into participating or unsafe.
Private discernment intensives or retreats are ideal for couples who:
♦ Are in crisis and having trouble communicating openly or calmly
♦ Don’t have time in your busy schedules for weekly discernment sessions
♦ Prefer to have focused time for your relationship without the distractions of daily life
♦ Are in long-distance relationships or have complicated travel schedules
♦ Have concerns about privacy due to high-profile jobs or roles
♦ Prefer to do discernment counseling in a retreat location — ours or one of your choosing
♦ Don’t have access to expert discernment counseling in your location
♦ Are already in the divorce process but not positive it’s the right choice
Couples of all gender identities and sexual orientations are warmly welcome,
and I have extensive experience working with a diverse clientele.
What Should We Expect?
In the discernment process, I respect your reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health. I will support you to get in touch with your most whole self to gain clarity, insight and greater ease. (Another way to say this is that I’ll help you unhook from your “survival” brain if you’re caught there, so you can know you’re making decisions from a place in you that is grounded and wise.) My approach emphasizes the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions, which will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends. And if you choose to take divorce off the table for a while and work on the relationship, you’ll have a head start for the work ahead.
What Are the Logistics?
The retreat is typically scheduled over 3-5 days in order to support time for reflection and integration between our meetings. I will work with your scheduling needs to design the right schedule for your personalized retreat. Each in-person session starts and ends with both partners together, and includes significant one-on-one time for each person with me. Prior to the retreat, I will have a private one-on-one conversation between each partner, and the retreat fee includes a followup video/phone meeting, as well as transition support appropriate to the path you choose.
Many couples elect to meet at a relaxing retreat location, and in that case, I will arrange for a private meeting room for our use. For some couples, staying in separate rooms is helpful in giving the space needed for personal reflection between our meetings. In any case, I encourage selecting (and can recommend) destination locations that are spacious enough to allow for ample alone time and nourishing self-care.
A more budget-conscious option is to meet in southern Vermont where I am based, so that you only need to cover your own travel, lodging and meal expenses in addition to the retreat fee.
Is This Different from Couples Therapy?
Since the goal is clarity, not relationship repair, the discernment process emphasizes self-reflection and exploration of options in our one-on-one meetings, rather than inviting emotional risktaking in the room together, as is typical for couples therapy. This format allows each person to be really honest with yourself as you consider the situation, and for me to help address your very different perspectives and concerns uniquely. Also unlike couples therapy, discernment is time-limited (5-6 sessions maximum). It is a unique process with specialized skills and training, and is more akin to coaching/consultation than being a therapeutic process. Some couples choose to begin couples therapy after a private discernment retreat.
What’s the Cost?
A lot less than divorce, and a small investment for more understanding and closure and if you do end up ultimately pursuing divorce. For couples who decide, as a result of the discernment retreat, to take divorce off the table for 6 months and try couples therapy and/or other efforts before making a long-term decision, the investment in the discernment process provides them with a significant headstart on the work of repair and reconciliation in couples therapy.
The fee for a private discernment intensive includes a package of services including pre-retreat calls with each partner, pre-retreat assessments, onsite retreat session time, and follow-up. Accommodations, meals and travel are extra. If you’re interested in exploring whether a private retreat might be right for you, please reach out for an exploratory call or contact info@relationshipcrossroads.com for current pricing.
Why Choose Rachel Zamore for a Discernment Retreat?
Couples who are committed to offering their relationship the best resources they can find often choose to work with me because I’m recognized as a pioneer in the field of discernment counseling and for my expertise with couples on the brink. I developed the discernment retreat model in 2013, and have been refining it since then, in addition to teaching couples therapists about how to work effectively with couples where divorce is on the table or a relationship’s future is unclear. Being in the crossroads where you’re not sure what’s going to happen with your marriage or family can be incredibly stressful, and it can be reassuring to know you’re in good hands as you work your way through that decision-making process.
You can read my bio here, and I’d be glad to set up a time where we can have an exploratory call to talk about the possibility of working together and what that would entail.
What If My Partner Isn't Willing?
If your partner is not willing to try discernment coaching at this time, I may be able to help you best manage the situation with Relationship Consulting for Individuals. I can help you bring your best self to this difficult time, and help you learn more about yourself and the dynamics at play so you can avoid inadvertently making things worse. If just one person changes their moves in a dance, it can help shift the whole thing. Not always, but at least you’ll know you did your part.
Conversely, if you’re the one considering leaving and your partner won’t entertain the idea of a discernement process, let’s talk. I am happy to help coach you through your process individually, or to have a brief consultation to help support you in getting the buy-in you need.
How Do We Get Started?
The first step, once you and your partner have both had an opportunity to review this information and decide together that this is something you want to pursue, is to schedule an intial consultation with me. There is a fee for this consultation, which will be credited towards your retreat should you move forward with one.
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