When you want to save your marriage
...but your spouse isn't sure.
There are still things you can do.
Trying to save your marriage?
I'll help you bring your best self to this difficult time and increase your chances for success.
Discernment coaching for couples on the brink
If your spouse is talking divorce, you might feel a tremendous mix of emotions right now, including hurt, anger, anxiety and confusion. You might not even feel like yourself, and you might feel a lot more emotional than usual. It's totally normal, and we're here to help. In discernment coaching, I'll meet with each of you one-on-one for the majority of the time, which allows us to meet each of you right where you are. Even if you already know you'd choose your marriage in a heartbeat, this discernment process can be an incredible opportunity to widen the lens and develop a more nuanced understanding of how you got to where you are, and what it might take to bring your relationship back to health. You will learn the things that are in your control, and get some coaching on how to best support your desire for reconciliation. And If you're having a really hard time, I'll help you find your center so that you can bring your best self to this process, and avoid inadvertently making things worse.
"Why would I want to give oxygen to the idea of divorce?!"
I'm so glad you asked.
Making space for your partner to openly explore their ambivalence with a qualified discernment coach/counselor is absolutely in your interest. If you were to begin couples therapy when your partner doesn't want to do that, they'll just be going through the motions, and it's much more likely to fail. To move forward successfully with couples therapy and relationship repair, you want your partner to have two feet in, and to be choosing -- from their own motivation, not being pulled -- to see whether, with good professional support and good effort from you both, your marriage can be healed and renewed. Couples who begin couples therapy after discernment counseling have a jump start on the healing process because both people already understand more about themselves and the relationship, and both people are on board and ready.
Ready to take the next step? Be sure to share this information with your partner to see if they're interested in doing something that is not couples therapy -- that is, not designed to try to fix your problems, but a process to see if your problems seem fixable and a way to move forward with whatever comes next.
And read on to decide on which format sounds right for you and to get more details...
Hopeful spouse coaching
Individual support to help you through this time of uncertainty
If your partner is considering divorce and not ready or willing to participate in a joint discernment process (or couples therapy), hopeful spouse coaching can help you do what you can on your own to potentially improve the situation and chances for a better outcome.
Hopeful spouse coaching is tailored to your unique situation and needs, but often includes several components:
Getting grounded
This is a stressful time and it can be hard to not fall into overwhelm or coping strategies that don't seem to be helping your situation or might even be making it worse as far as dynamics between the two of you.
Drawing on my extensive training in somatics and IFS (parts work), I'll help you find the ground under your feet again, make room for all you're holding, and work with you to anchor into resources -- internal and external -- that can help you bring your best self to this incredibly challenging time.
Widening the lens
This time of uncertainty is profound crucible and opportunity to deepen your understanding of yourself and of your relationship.
Even when there is a rupture that has landed your marriage in this crisis, there also are often a lot of co-created dynamics that helped bring this moment into reality too.
With kindness and curiosity, we'll step back from some of the familiar stories, and see what learning and growth might be possible that will help expand what could be possible moving forward.
Trying some new moves
With deeper insight into some of the painful patterns you two have been caught in, and what of that might be on your side of the net, it's easier to see how the two of you got here and how you might be able to make a positive difference for the marriage without your partner's involvement.
I'll support you in exploring how you changing some of your dance moves can change the whole dance. Not always, but you'll be leading from your best self in a way that will be healthier for you and might help the chances for repair and rebuilding too.
Reclaiming wholeness
Your sense of wellbeing, wholeness and dignity are non-negotiable, regardless of what happens with your marriage. We'll look beyond the idea of merely "saving" your marriage to what will help you feel alive, connected, nourished and whole in whatever comes next.
If this moment is a wakeup call, we'll work together to help you reclaim your agency to know what you need and want too, and to build a life (and hopefully new version of this marriage) that reflects your best self, deepest goodness, and greatest potential.
Meet your guide, Rachel Zamore.
Certified Discernment Counselor · 20+ Years Working with Couples · Certified in EFT Couples Therapy · Extensive Training in IFS & Somatic Approaches
Hi, I'm Rachel. I've been helping couples and individuals for over 20 years find their way through some of the absolutely hardest moments and decisions, and in a way that honors both their own deepest needs, and takes good care of the relationships they've invested so much in. I love helping people slow down so they can move forward with intention and integrity, from the best in themselves.
One of the things that's great about the discernment model is a format that makes space for the very different needs of the leaning in and the leaning out partner. I can help both people with their own agenda in a way that is not at all in conflict.
One person may want to do everything they can to improve the chances for healing and renewal of the marriage, and I can help them meet the moment so they can do that -- in a way that is authentic, self-honoring, and growthful. So often we carry old patterns and ways of relating that may no longer be serving us well, and there's nothing like a relationship crisis to spur meaningful self-reflection and change. But that takes being grounded and calm enough to move forward thoughtfully, with intention and care, in a way that is sustainable and real.
Likewise, I can meet a leaning out partner with empathy and kindness, in a way that helps them slow down and make a choice about their next steps with deeper self-awareness and greater understanding of the relationship patterns and their part in those. In that process, we can move from the idea of staying unhappy vs. leaving, to exploring a more nuanced set of options and what might be in it for them to work on the relationship before making a long term decision. The overarching goal is that people anchor into their best selves to move through a complicated and fraught time in a way that will lead to healthier outcomes and more understanding, whatever shape that takes.
What else might you want to know? I was the first person certified in Discernment Counseling and was personally trained and mentored by the creator of the model, Dr. Bill Doherty. I'm certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and have deep training in Internal Family Systems (parts work) and several trauma-informed somatic psychotherapy approaches (this comes a lot into play around regulating emotions and knowing what's true from the inside out). I went to Brown University (BA) and the California Institute of Integral Studies (MA). I live in Vermont and work with people around the country, thanks to the internet. I love spending time outdoors, learning new things, seeing the sunrise, and growing too many dahlias. I'm passionate about helping people live fuller, more meaningful, vibrant lives, as I believe that big-picture change starts with how we live and treat one another in our day to day. You can read more about me over here.
Or if you'd like to explore the possibility of working together, click the button below to set up an introductory call...
Solo Coaching vs. Couples Discernment Process
If you think your spouse might be open to doing a couples discernment process that welcomes them right where they are without pressure or judgment, I'd encourage you to share this website with them. See if they'd like to take the first step to have an exploratory call for discernment coaching that you would do as a shared process to help you move forward -- whether that's towards reconfiguring your relationship or towards seeing whether you can start a new chapter -- with more understanding, more ease and more peace.
Discernment is very different from couples therapy, with separate time for both of you since you're coming with such different agendas and needs, and because you don't yet have a shared agreement to work on improving the relationship, nor likely the emotional safety to have the kind of deeper self-reflective exploration that's often needed right about now. Most people considering ending a marriage have a lot of mixed feelings and it's incredibly helpful to have a safe space to talk that through -- and mostly without you in the room (no offense, it's just true!). Discernment offers that safety because I can meet each of you right where you are.
Suggesting discernment can feel scary, since it makes it feel more real that ending could be a possibility, but your willingness to make space for their ambivalence helps build trust and makes it possible they can make a self-directed choice to participate. If you want to talk it through with me first before bringing it up with your spouse, it's fine to schedule your initial call first. And if you suggest it and they say no, you can always move forward with solo coaching instead.