In or Out? Stay or Go?
Find your way forward with intention & integrity.
If you're considering divorce, you're facing one of the most consequential decision of your life, and possibly other people's lives too. One day you're sure, the next you're not. You want to make sure you're not missing something. Want to make sure you're coming at this from a place of true inner wisdom, not reactivity or an oversimplified story about your relationship or your parter. Or yourself for that matter.
Get the unbiased, down-to-earth, structured support you need and come back home to your best self to meet this moment. I'll help you figure out how to move forward — one way or another — with more confidence and clarity, congruency and kindness. You don't need to do this alone.
Are you in any of these situations?
We've Grown Apart
If you no longer feel connected or like you have much in common with your spouse, a marriage can start feeling really lonely. You might feel like your energy is going into other relationships and activities that help you feel alive, and have you questioning whether it's still a good fit.
Desire is Gone
Desire can slip away for so many reasons, and it's often a mirror for our emotional connection too. Wanting a life filled with vibrant love and nourishing intimacy is understandable, and it's useful to know how to make sense of what's happening in your relationship and what it really means.
We Can't Communicate
We all need to feel understood and know our needs and opinions matter. If you and your partner have gotten to the point where everyday communication is hard (or simply avoided), it makes sense you'd be wondering how sustainable this is, and trying to figure out where to go from here.
There's Someone Else
If you've fallen in love with someone else, or have your eye on someone who makes you feel attractive, funny and desirable, that can create a profound sense of confusion when you also have a sense of commitment to your marriage or family. Life is short, and integrity matters. What to do?
Considering divorce and also not sure it's the right thing?
If you're thinking about whether you might want to end your marriage, or are having trouble finding the motivation or enough hope to try to put meaningful effort into finding your way back together, that can feel really confusing. And exhausting too. Not to mention lonely. You're neither in nor out, and the limbo can feel like it's own sort of purgatory. There are often lots of competing inner voices, and it can be hard to untangle the threads and quiet the noise enough to know what's really true.
You're in the right place. There are two options for working together:
Discernment Counseling (for couples on the brink)
Discernment counseling was designed and research-validated as a process for couples where one person is leaning in, hoping to save the marriage, and one person is leaning out and not sure if they have it in them to continue putting effort or hope into this relationship. It is not couples therapy, but rather a short-term, structured process where most of the important meeting time happens without your partner in the room.
The structure of having one-on-one meetings with each of you makes it possible for me to meet each of you right where you're at, support you in meeting your (perhaps very different) goals, and creates enough safety to do the honest self-reflection that will help you be able to get things untangled and move forward with more confidence and clarity.
Couples who move through the discernment process together often have the benefit of a head start in couples therapy if that's the outcome, and for those who decide to part ways, there's often more understanding and peace. You can find information below about the discernment process, what to expect, and how to get started.
Solo Coaching for Discernment & Relationship Ambivalence
While there are a lot of good reasons to do a discernment process together with your spouse, some people are not yet ready to involve the other person in their uncertainty, and want to do some honest self-reflection and exploration to first untangle what's going on inside.
I help people come home to the best in themselves to make sure they're being thoughtful, grounded, self-reflective and willing to attend to the ways they might play into the things that are bringing the relationship into question. Without judgment, and with lots of compassionate curiosity, we'll zoom the lens out, untangle the knots, and help you make room for all the different (often conflicting) thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck.
You may end up going on to do some discernment counseling with your spouse, or couples therapy (in most cases, that would need to be with someone other than me, if we've worked together individually). But some people, it feels right to first do some individual coaching to find your way towards more understanding and more clarity. If that's true for you, read on, and reach out if you'd like to connect.
If you're considering leaving your marriage,
I'll help you find more clarity and confidence from a place of deeper understanding.
Discernment Process for Couples on the Brink
Thinking about leaving, but aren't 100% sure it's the right choice? Maybe you're worn down after years of trying to get your partner to show up or to change (or not saying anything but wishing it would happen), and you don't even know if you have it in you to do couples therapy. Maybe you're in love with someone else but don't know if you really want to work on or end your marriage. Maybe you're inclined to leave because you've lost interest or connection, but feel like maybe you should work on it or stay, even if just for the kids. Maybe you really aren't sure what the best thing is to do, but you know you can't go on as it's been. Whatever your reasons for eyeing the exit, I will meet you with kindness and understanding. Each situation is unique, and we'll help you find your best path forward, from the best in yourself.
The discernment process for couples is short-term, with a maximum of 6 extended sessions, all of which include some joint time, but mostly it's one-on-one time for each of you with me. This is not couples therapy. Without your spouse in the room, you'll have the freedom, encouragement and guidance to explore your ambivalence and to do some really honest self-reflection about what role you may have played in the troubles of your relationship, and what might be things that could be valuable for you to work on moving forward -- whether you choose to stay married or not. We'll help see if your partner can really hear, and be responsive to, the concerns you're holding, and explore the potential for healing and repair. The process is supportive and non-judgmental, and is designed to help you learn more about yourself and your relationship, and to make a thoughtful and non-reactive decision about the future, whatever that may be. I'll help you get clear from your best self, with integrity and intention.
In the discernment process, we'll explore three options:
Path 1: Status Quo
Stay in the relationship as it has been -- for now. Claim the limbo and make a plan as to how and when you'll revisit the idea of making a change towards splitting or repair.
Path 2: Pursue Divorce
Decide it's really over and set an intention to part ways as respectfully & compassionately as possible. Make a plan that supports the most successful outcome possible for everyone impacted by this decision.
Path 3: Try to Reconnect & Rebuild
Before making a long-term decision, see what's possible with new insights & intention, genuine effort, and 6 months of professional help to get at the core issues & dynamics that have kept you stuck. Then make a long-term decision.
Sound interesting? If the joint discernment process seems like it might be helpful, share this information with your partner and click the button below to schedule your initial call with me. You'll each need to have one with me as the first step in getting started...
Should I get divorced or try to work on it?
I'm unsure about my marriage and not ready to involve my spouse.
Individual coaching for the ambivalently married
If you're sitting in that question, or even flirting with the idea of considering that question, that's a really hard place to be. For most people, it is really complicated, and not a question most anyone takes lightly. But if you're considering divorce and not 100% sure it's the right thing, that's worth listening too. It's too big of a decision to make from a place of reactivity, or without careful consideration from the clearest, most resourced place in you. Honest self-reflection is important too, to make sure you're clear about what's on your side of the net. Most of my 'leaning out' clients are thoughtful, caring people who can't picture a path forward with their spouse that feels enlivening, connected and supportive. Together we'll look at your relationship and at yourself, make space for the conflicting voices inside and help you come back to a place of inner knowing that can hold the complexity of your situation and this crossroads. We'll look at all the options and perhaps in a new way.
Solo discernment coaching is tailored to your unique situation and needs, but often includes several components. With over 20 years of experience as a somatic and IFS therapist and coach, as well as being a seasoned couples therapist and relationship coach and certified discernment counselor, I will help guide you through a personalized process to meet you right where you are. If your situation involves other complexities, we'll address those too. Below are some elements that show up with most clients...
Compass Calibration
Get grounded and resourced so you can trust yourself and meet the moment with calm, clarity, intention & integrity. Access your clearest mind and heart.
Inner Peacemaking
Quiet the noise and make space for the wisdom each of your conflicted parts is holding. Come home to your best self where it's not an inner tug of war.
Widen the Lens
Deepen your understanding of your couple dynamics and your own growing edges to expand your sense of agency & perhaps what might be possible too.
Values & Vision
Untangle some of the core dilemmas (ethical & existential) embedded in such a huge decision. Know what matters and why, so you're at peace however this plays out.
Path Forward
Chart a course for your next best steps, based on a deeper understanding of yourself & your situation. We'll get practical to help you get out of limbo.
Meet your guide, Rachel Zamore.
Certified Discernment Counselor · 20+ Years Working with Couples · Certified in EFT Couples Therapy · Extensive Training in IFS & Somatic Approaches
Hi, I'm Rachel. I've been helping couples and individuals for over 20 years find their way through some of the absolutely hardest moments and decisions, and in a way that honors both their own deepest needs and takes good care of the relationships they've invested so much in. I love helping people slow down so they can move forward with intention and integrity, from the best in themselves.
With extensive training in both IFS and somatic approaches, in addition to being a seasoned couples therapist who deeply understands relationship dynamics, I've been told I have a unique ability to help people find more understanding and peace, and come into clarity about what matters most. Sometimes that means getting out of old stories and false choices. Sometimes that means making shifts internally or externally. But it almost always means that life is inviting you into the next chapter with more aliveness, alingment and meaningful connection. I'll help you ask the right questions, learn how to listen more deeply inside, settle the chaos, and take your next best step forward in a way that won't leave you second guessing. If you'd like to explore the possibility of working together, reach out today to set up an introductory call.